I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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