my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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