I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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