Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
