sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
