I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
