Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
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