Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
