In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
