i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
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Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas