Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
