I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
