i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
