theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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