Christians are straight up FREAKS
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
