by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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