apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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