I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
