I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
