if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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