Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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