What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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