6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So many bounce houses so little time
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
