I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
