u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
