now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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