Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
