She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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