If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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