we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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