I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
