does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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