He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
someone owes me an orgasm
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
