Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
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Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
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You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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