My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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