You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
