oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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