Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
