I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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