i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
