Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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