i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
