Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
