Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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