Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
