oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
