Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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