Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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