You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
