So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
