I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
