Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
