Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
