im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
