if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
