Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
