You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
