Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
