I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
