The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
